I want to ride my bicycle

wow, its been nearly nearly a month since I last posted, I can only apologize for that, things have been a little up and down, Gran went in to hospital again at the end of April having broken her leg...again, and other things that I won`t go into detail here.
          On the plus side though I have a new form of transport, something I have been meaning to buy for a while, if you can t guess from the title a push bike

full suspension, disk brakes front and rear and 21 gears, why full suspension you ask? while I don`t intend on going full on down hill off road cycling there will be times where suspension will be useful.
          I picked the bike up on a Thursday afternoon, everything had been prebuilt with the only thing I needed to do was turn the handlebars to the correct position, with that done a quick test ride revealed a couple of adjustments needed to be made, firstly the seat was too low and secondly the brakes didn`t seem to be as effective as they could have been, seat adjusted I went for a quick ride around the local park, everything seemed to work fine, with no work the next day I decided to go for a slightly longer ride along roads and gravel tracks, the ride although smooth was a little disconcerting as the brakes were still not bedded in properly and I was not going to mess around with them, part of my ride took me along a footpath where naturally I dismounted and pushed the bike so as not too break any rules, this made me realise that although the bike is lightweight its no carbon fibre beast.
          the next time I rode the bike was downhill to my local shop to buy a few things, this is one of the reasons I bought the bike, rather than driving the 3 miles to the shop I would rather ride, I managed to ride all the way to the shop and all the way back to the bottom of the hill, as soon as the incline started however my legs just gave up no matter what gear I was in and like many many people before me I had to walk up the hill, I did feel disappointed by this but as its been a long time since I`ve ridden a bike and my general lack of fitness I still consider being able to ride into town and back again a very good start, I wont be giving up with this and hopefully will find the time to go further afield and have some more adventures.
over the next few weeks I am hoping to post a bit more regularly

lack thinking

          you might have noticed that I haven`t posted anything in a while this is because of one major factor, a factor known as lack thinking, whilst easy to explain it does become a little complicated after that, lack thinking is focusing on what you don`t have and what you might not have or do or places to go to and in a kind of self fulfilling prophecy this actually happens and so depression once again starts rearing its ugly head.
          here is where the complication starts coming into play though, lack thinking is not just thinking of the absence of something, its also the thought of not allowing yourself to imagine that what you want, so for example most people want to win the lottery, however when thinking about what they would do with the money they also have a subconscious lack mentality because they don`t already have it.
          Because of this lack mentality within myself my self belief has dropped over the last few weeks hence why I haven`t posted, my main lacks have been lack of girlfriend, lack of business, lack of money and lack of adventure, on the plus side though I have (with help) started looking at these from a different point of view, I`ll skip over the lack of girlfriend for now and go straight into the business side.
          This week I filed my tax return for my business (April 5th is the end of the UK tax year) and I was disappointed to note that I had filed a loss for the previous year and thoughts of closing down the business entered my mind, however I reevaluated the situation, yes I had made a loss that was black and white and clear as day in front of me, however the fact that I was filling out a tax return form meant that I actually had my own business, something which people had said I would never be able to do, which led me onto thinking about bills and in particular credit card bills, having to pay credit card bills is to alot of people an un necessary expense, however having a credit card means that someone trusts you to pay them back.
          which leads me nicely into lack of money, I don`t have a lot of money but I am grateful for what I do have and I used to think "oh if only I had the money" or "when I get the money" now its a case of "I`ll do that with my money, when I want" and in a twist of fate (or something else that I believe) I had a nice email from the tax man the day after completing my return to say they owed me money!
          which again leads me nicely onto lack of adventure, I subscribe to an outdoor magazine, I did this a couple of years ago when they were offering a free water sterilization kit and just never bothered cancelling and every time the latest issue dropped through the door I would look at the front cover and start feeling depressed at all the adventures on offer that I couldn`t go on for lack of money meaning that the magazines would sit unread on my bookshelf, and whilst yes prior commitments mean I can`t do the longer adventures for now it doesn`t mean that they are all out of reach, and indeed there are some adventures I`m planing on doing, going to the Peak District for a few days and an overnight train journey to Scotland for a weekend walk are on the cards, going by train means I don`t have to worry about the car whilst I`m doing whatever at the time. these magazines also regularly feature gear tests and reviews which do frustrate me as magazines will do "budget gear reviews" and yet none of the gear tested is what I or most people would call budget £150 for a pair of walking boots is not what most people would call cheap, however this is also lack thinking as I`m thinking about lack for other people.
          Lack thinking when It comes to a girlfriend is probably the hardest one of all, having been so long without a girlfriend I am absolutely convinced that no woman wants to be with me and no matter how hard I try this thought and feeling completely overwhelms me at times, at one time I was on several different dating websites, this has now been filtered down to just the one website but (and here comes the lack thinking) due to my shyness, anxiety and Aspergers I find it difficult to make contact with the women on these site first and the times I have plucked up the courage to do it I never had a response which has mane me feel even worse.

the above has been a very short example of my lack thinking but with help these opinions, and thats all they are after all, are slowly being changed I don`t know how long it will take though          

Pier to Pier

          So this is it, the first of what I hope will be many challenges to bring back my adventurous streak, in this case it was a 11km (7 mile) between two piers near where I live, if I`m totally honest I wasn`t actually looking forward to it, it wasn`t distance or the weather, which was good, it was down to the fact that the night before I had a family gathering and this left me mentally drained, which was only the start of the issues for the day. Murphy`s law prevailed for part of the day, I had planned on catching the train both to and from the start and end point, however the train company had other ideas, the first train from my local station didn`t leave until 9.15, 15 minutes after registration for the event opened, the bus company didn`t run to the start town on a Sunday which left me with the only option of driving to the start, not something I really wanted to do, the car park was a pay and display one but I had been prepared for it and had brought enough change to cover the parking...except the machine refused to accept one of my £1 coins, no problem I thought I call and pay over the phone....nobody works in the office on a Sunday because of course people don`t need to park their cars on a Sunday! so I text the number on the board, only to receive a text saying I hadn`t entered a valid location, text again, received one back saying I hadn`t entered a time, none of this was on the board just text this number! so I text back with all the info they required, got a text back saying I was already registered on the system, at this point I was on the point of screaming, I finally managed to sort it out and pulled my bag out of the car....to find the bottom of my bag soaking wet and water soaking into the seat of my car, the water bladder I was using had gotten a micro puncture at some point leading to water spilling everywhere, by a stroke of luck though I had packed my other bits and pieces into waterproof bags in case it was raining that day, as it was the sun was shining so I did a little reverse thinking and removed everything from the waterproof bag and put the bladder inside the waterproof bag this stopped everything from getting wet from the water I was meant to be drinking, thankfully there was enough left for me for the day, now I would have play the waiting game to see if my bag would be dry enough for me to walk with without problems.

7 miles in that direction is my goal

          by 9.45 everyone had registered and we were waiting for the warm up to get under way, people had also slowly started drifting towards the start line and this where I had a slight flash of anger, people were actually pushing me out of the way to get to the front of the line, this was a charity walk not a race! just after 10 am we offically started, 700 people heading along the coast in one direction and 140 from the other pier to where we had started. I had worked out how long this walk was going to take me at my regular pace, 4.8 km per hour would see me in at around about the 2 hours and 20 minutes mark, however what I didn`t count on was the flow of other people pace actually speeding me up, the support we received from the general public was great, people were offering free tea and coffee, some were even offering to make bacon or sausage sandwiches as well, as this was a public right of way and not closed off people were relaxing on the beach making the most of the early spring sunshine, some were preparing boats for sailing, others were dog walking some others were riding horses along the beach, soon after the tall buildings of Frinton came into view, and in the distance I could actually see my goal jutting out into the sea, another hour or so and I would be there, at this point my mind was trying to tell me that this was a bad decision to make and that I shouldn`t be walking, I ignored it and carried on, the pier gradually got closer and closer, the crowds of people on the esplanade got denser, two more corners and I would be at my goal, I saw the gazebo and walked over to it, after handing in my registration slip I was presented with a medal for my efforts.

for once I was "joined" on one of these adventures of mine by 2 friends.

they stayed with me throughout the walk and will probably be joining me in some later adventures too.

final time for the walk was 1 hour 55 minutes (18s).

I found it to be a bittersweet walk, first and foremost because I shouldn`t have wimped out and walked back to where I started, secondly I had no one to greet me when I made it to the end point and thirdly I had no one to walk with, oh sure there were 700 others but how many were walking with me?

iggoboom! (or zipp or hiss)

I decided to do something different for this blog, its something that I have enjoyed for a while but its not an outdoor activity in any sense of the word with the exception that it takes place outdoors and that activity is airsoft, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, think of paintballing but with more realistic looking guns, gun?! but you`re from the UK, a country well known for its strict gun controls, yes that`s true, but these guns are not real, they use motors or gas propulsion to fire little plastic ball at less than lethal velocity, usually less that 350 feet per second

although they can, and often do leave some significant bruises.

 I own a variety of replicas both hand guns and rifles, most people who get in to the hobby of airsoft end up getting a replica of the M4 automatic rifle and because of this all I ever see at skirmish sites is M4`s, I was determined that my first gun wasn`t going to be an M4, my first rifle (or AEG, automatic electric gun) was a replica of the Beretta ARX 160 

my collection did inevitably grow and now includes 

a Steyr AUG A2 

a Benelli M3 shotgun, this gun actually fires three BB`s every time the trigger is pulled rather than one and like the real thing has a "slam fire" function meaning I can keep the trigger held down and move the grip backwards and forwards and every time I move the grip forward the gun fires, this does decrease the range and accuracy but...shotgun, 

M14, I am slowly modifying this from stock configuration to make this as accurate as possible as I will eventually be making this my DMR (designated marksmans rifle), thats not to say this isn`t an already accurate rifle I just want more accuracy over the distance it can fire.

my handguns, on the top left is my VP70, this gun is green gas powered with the gas being held in the magazine, this gun can be added to by placing a shoulder stock on it and unlocking a three round burst just like the real thing,

 I don`t have the shoulder stock but I am looking for one, if anyone knows where I can get one, let me know, top right is a spring powered Beretta 92, being spring powered means I have to cock it every time I pull the trigger, very low powered I dont think it even reaches triple figures, why do I use it? nothing more satisfying than a spring pistol kill (except a rubber knife kill), bottom left is my Colt Python, CO2 powered....and tends to terrify people who see it, yes it only has six shots.....but with no slide to push back all the CO2 pushes the BB out the barrel making this one of the most powerful guns I own, bottom right is my Uzi CO2 sub-machine gun, stupidly high rate of fire, stupidly powerful, too powerful really, expensive to run it uses one CO2 per magazine emptied, but sooooooooo much fun to fire.

           Early Sunday morning I left to make the 1 hour journey to the skirmish site, when I arrived there were only the marshalls and a couple of other people there, this would soon change, whilst I waited for the site to set up and get going I prepared my guns, fitting batteries, loading gas, changing capsules and loading magazines with BB`s, before any gun is allowed out on the field it has to have its power measured, known as chronoing, this is to insure that the guns aren`t too powerful and end up hurting people too badly, 

on a side note here, there won`t be any pictures or videos from the day even though I did take my camera as there were under 18`s on site and I don`t want to risk any issues.

          The first game played was a simple conquer the hill, this is a really quick game designed to warm people up for the rest of the day, people on the defending team have one life, people on the attacking team have unlimited lives but have to go back to a respawn point before they can continue, inevitably it means that the attacking team does win but its more about warming up and how quickly the attacking team can take the hill, for those wondering, the team I was on won in just under 3 and half minutes, for this game I used the ARX160 

          The second game consisted of another attack and defend game but with 4 individual positions to take around the campsite, I was on the defense side for the first half and decided to use my M14 in its DMR capacity,

 at the first point I didn`t score any hits mainly because I`d chosen a place and direction from which the other team didn`t come from and by the time I`d turned round it was too late and I was moving on to the second site, at this site I had a better time and managed to hold the other team back, I would like to think it was my effective camouflage that prevented the other team from seeing me until they were practically on top of me, the third site unfortunately the red mist descended, the fundamental rule with airsoft is call your hit, if you`ve been hit or think you`ve been hit call yourself out, more respect is given to a player who incorrectly calls themselves out than one who refuses to take their hit, in this case the other team had started to surround us when I saw one of they`re players moving towards me, I fired and missed, I readjusted my aim and fired, I saw the hit but no hand went up, I became angry and switched to automatic and fired a three round burst, the first BB hit the players gun which didn`t count, the second hit his hand, which does count and hurts.....alot and the third hit the players chest, I was about to fire another three round burst when I was finally hit myself, as I was walking towards the final defense point I could hear the other players on my team chatting about non hit takers, I relayed my story and as we spoke it started becoming clear that it was the same individuals that we were firing at, once we reached our final objective we found and reported the game play to a marshall, it didn`t however stop the same people from not taking their hits during the last section of the game.

          we swapped over after this so I was on the attacking team this time, the M14 would have been too cumbersome for the attacking role so I swapped out to the AUG,

 when I first bought this rifle I was a little disappointed as the BB`s didn`t really go that far however a change of battery and another modification (changing the hop up rubber) has meant that this has become not only my fastest firing gun but for the distance it fires one of the more accurate I own (still not as accurate as the M14 though) with the aggressive team I was on and the amount of firepower we could put down, we cleaned through the targets 10 minutes quicker than the other team.

          the next fight was in a compound where we could only use pistols and semi auto firing weapons only, my only option was a pistol as I hadn`t chrono the revolver or shotgun so I couldn`t use them. 

          I took up position in a corner and waited, I didn`t realise it at the time but I actually had one of the best positions and could not only relay information about the enemy team but could hold the position by myself with just the pistol, or I could until I ran out of ammo.

I didn`t stay the full day as I did have other commitments but to get back into a hobby I enjoy was well worth the time and effort.

number of people who joined me : 0

                

adventure list

Having a list of things I want to achieve is great but at the same time hurts as my negativity bias means that no matter how great the adventure is in my mind something always crops up to bring me back down to the suffering and lack mentality, this is so frustrating as you can imagine so I have decided to write out a list of some of the adventures that I want to go on, not only so I can cross them off as I do them but also having the written down will make them happen without the negativity bias coming onto play, I will probably add to this list as I go on as something like this is never completed.

Trip to Iceland northern lights
Drive to the Arctic circle
Do the Mongolian rally
Paddle the Canal Du Midi
Paddle the Kennet and Avon canal
Take the train from Aberdeen to Penzance, this is the longest single train journey in the UK
Race huskeys
Climb in loads of different places
Take a trip around Europe
Oktoberfest
ride Harley Davidson`s along route 66

most people would say "well its a nice list but where would you get the money?" and thats the problem, as soon as people say that, the lack thinking starts, lack of money , for me this is a secondary concern, not because I have lots of money, I don`t, for me the thought of travelling on my own terrifies me,

"hang on, you`re thinking, didn`t you go to Australia twice?"

yes I did, once was on my own and I was far too excited about the prospect of a new life to care, plus this was before my depression hit hard and the second time my friends sister was on the same flight so I was technically travelling with someone.

So apart from travelling on my own terrifying me and money being an "issue" what else stops me from completing this list?

depression, pure and simple, yes I am fighting and yes there are times I win but there are still times when the depression wins and the thing is, I have to be OK with that, even as I sit here writing this, the sun is shining outside, I want to go out but my mind is going "you can`t, you have Gran to look after and driving instructor training later today, so stay inside and don`t go anywhere"

And this is part of the problem most people don`t understand about depression, you don`t control your thought, they control you.

VB, V0, V nope

         This is once again going to be a short blog, apologies in advance.

         Following on from last weeks fail I decided to pick myself up and get back on the horse so to speak, I decided I would once again go back to the climbing wall and see if I could up my grade, checking the grades once again I made the conscious effort to once more stick to brown (VB) and white (V0) with a view to working up to V1, after my warm up I started a circuit of the room concentrating on the brown climbs, I had managed to complete three climbs and was starting to get into my rhythm when a second person walked in, knowing that some people don`t like cameras in a bouldering room whilst they are climbing I switched off the camera and put it away which is why there are only three short videos in this blog.

         I carried on climbing as one person in the climbing wall didn`t bother me however a few minutes later 2 other people walked onto the wall, at first I thought they were here to see a member of staff but within a few minutes they had pulled on climbing shoes and were warming up, my anxiety level hit the roof and I had to leave, I waited just outside the room for someone to finish but it didn`t look like anyone was going any where soon, so tail between my legs I ended up going home.

 

The Long Dark (or big fat nope part 2)

          As I mentioned in my last blog I haven`t done anything exciting in the last couple of weeks due to my mood becoming very low meaning that I have been sat in front of a computer screen playing games, as I was playing one I decided that I would blog about one in particular, The Long Dark, this game is made by Hinterland studio and is available on steam, a pure survival game, no zombies, no mad scientists, just you verses whatever mother nature can throw at you, including blizzards, wolves, bears, thin ice, starvation, dehydration etc, the key to survival in this game is making the right decisions and choices in terms of what equipment and clothing to use and when to move and when to stay where you are.
          The game takes place in the Northern Canadian wilderness on Great Bear island and is set just after a post apocalypse event, leaving the area in perpetual winter, currently there are six areas to explore in game, each with differing hazards to contend with,

Forlorn Muskeg where ice is treacherously thin in places leading to you falling through and the onset of hypothermia.

Mystery Lake a fairly easy area but with plenty of wolves to avoid.

Coastal Highway a vast and open sea bay where thick fog can cause disorientation and send you in the wrong direction towards thin ice, not to mention bears and wolves with superb eye sight and sense of smell.

Desolation Point, a relatively small map right on the coast, thin ice, thick fog and patroling wolves abound.

Pleasant Valley don`t let the name fool you, frequent blizzards and sub zero temperatures will keep you inside for days waiting for the smallest of opportunities to get outside and get food.

Timberwolf Mountain, a plane crash on top of the mountain is too tempting an opportunity to miss but getting there means expending alot of precious energy.

why do I like this game? well for the most part it actually is a game that I can closely associate with, one of the jobs that I have is I run my own bushcraft company, so the idea of a game where these skills are necessary really appeals to me.

I will be playing the game on easy (pilgrim) mode, this is for a couple of reasons, one I`m not a hard core gamer so the idea of making it harder than I need to really doesn`t appeal to me, oh and its your problem if you think this means i`m not playing it properly or a coward, two and more importantly it means that the hunters (wolves and bears) don`t hunt you and will actually run away when they see you, yes this makes it easier but ironically mimics real life wildlife behavior more accurately but more importantly why wouldn`t I want to kill these animals.....take a look at the name above.

after selecting whether I wanted to play as a male or female character I had the choice of what region to start in, as always I went for random and when the screen loaded I was presented with this,

I instantly recognized where I was, that is the broken bridge in Desolation Point, the next thing I did was check what supplies I had and more importantly what clothing I had and its state of repair.

the clothing itself, not great, basic hat, hoodie, synthetic vest, fleece gloves, jeans, sports socks and trainers, but its state of repair was all pretty good. knowing where I was in the game world meant I knew the closest place to get some shelter and also possibly get some good starting supplies, directly behind me is a cave.

inside the cave is usually a plethora of supplies and quite often a couple of deer carcasses to harvest, this task is easier once you find a knife but I didn`t have one at this point.

a few kilos of meat to supplement the granola bar I had in my bag but it would mean I had to cook it first which meant a fire had to be built, before that though I knew there were still areas of the cave to explore and other opportunities to seek out.

yes that is a frozen corpse but no your character descend into cannibalism at any point in the game, unfortunately this particular corpse didn`t have any supplies on him, at this point in the game night began to fall, I decided that I needed to rest and cook the meat I had harvested from the two deer carcasses, this was also my first decision 

I had a 60% chance of lighting the fire using what I had above or I could increase that chance of success to 100% by using an accelerant but I would lose the accelerant meaning I wouldn`t have it for future use.

in this case I decided not to use the lighter fluid and actually did get the fire going anyway.

I cooked the meat and boiled up some water before getting my bed roll out and sleeping through the night, another mechanic that I will mention here is exhaustion, whilst you are awake your character becomes more tired affecting the load you can carry and will eventually kill you if you don`t rest.

leaving the cave on the second day the first thing I did was check the stats I had and the current weather conditions.

current condition 100%

air temperature, well into the minuses, will start to loose body warmth soon

feeling rested

not thirsty

calorie count, good but not perfect

to get out of this ravine I need to go under the bridge and turn right and make my way up to the road,

this does mean leaving the comparative safety of the ravine and venturing into colder climes but I know where I am so this isn`t too bad

up ahead on the left is a factory that I will be heading for, this usually has plenty of supplies to help with survival.

 from this direction the first thing I came across is the guardhouse and an abandoned car, inside the guardhouse is a first aid kit with a couple of bandages and a sewing kit.

the car unfortunately contained nothing

the factory loomed ahead, I will point out now that yes this is meant to be a whaling station but the premise is that it has been long abandoned.

the factory area itself contains several buildings as well as the factory and to make the best you will need to search through all of them, after some time searching I had found several useful items, mostly firewood, a couple of tools, one rifle round and most importantly for now, lots of clothing items including,

because I`d harvested cloth from some of the other items I repaired these and promptly wore them incresing the feels like temperature significantly. this is another decision you have to make in the game, what clothing do you sacrifice to improve your other clothing 

as you can see here I`d changed most of my clothing so that I was warmer in the situation I had found myself in, still however I had no rifle, bow, fishing equipment, snares or any other food to help me out, water was not a problem, in game you melt snow and crucially have to boil it too, I had protection from the elements as I was inside, I decided to check out the last of the habitations to see if could change that situation on the way to the cabins I saw what I thought would be my next port of call.

in the distance you can see a boat, this is known as the Riken, a former whaling vessel, how do I know, a whaling harpoon sticks out over the bow, however there is a massive hole in the side which mean even if the Riken was to get off the rock it would sink almost immediately and incidently that same hole is how you gain access to the boat.

I spent the night in the accommodation trailer and had decided that I would make for the Riken that day, however thick fog prevented me from seeing the boat and this being the coast I wasn`t willing to risk overshooting walking onto thin ice and falling through contracting hypothermia, so I turned and started following the road again making for the next land mark which would be the Lonely Lighthouse, to get there though meant crossing over a bridge and underneath that bridge would potentially be a source of supplies.

somehow I don`t think Matt will be needing or using that truck anymore (Matt is the corpse, presumably, to the left of the truck).

walking a little way around from Matt`s truck I saw the land mark I was heading for

the lonely lighthouse, this is usually quite a well stocked area and this time was no exception, the most important find in the whole place though was this book

 books like this increase your skill points and there are several in world, ones for fire lighting, ice fishing, hunting with rifles and carcass harvesting, increasing your skills obviously makes life in game so much easier at the start of the game your skills are obviously nothing 

but as you progress thing become so much easier, just as a comparison the photo above shows the character I`d started with here and the following pictures show the character that I have been playing with for some time as well as the clothing I have acquired and manufactured.

 note that it has taken me 264 in game days to get to this stage 

The long Dark is a game I would recommend to anyone interested in survival or who wants something a little different from what they would normally play, I thoroughly enjoy playing it and I looking forward to when the story mode comes out