lack thinking

          you might have noticed that I haven`t posted anything in a while this is because of one major factor, a factor known as lack thinking, whilst easy to explain it does become a little complicated after that, lack thinking is focusing on what you don`t have and what you might not have or do or places to go to and in a kind of self fulfilling prophecy this actually happens and so depression once again starts rearing its ugly head.
          here is where the complication starts coming into play though, lack thinking is not just thinking of the absence of something, its also the thought of not allowing yourself to imagine that what you want, so for example most people want to win the lottery, however when thinking about what they would do with the money they also have a subconscious lack mentality because they don`t already have it.
          Because of this lack mentality within myself my self belief has dropped over the last few weeks hence why I haven`t posted, my main lacks have been lack of girlfriend, lack of business, lack of money and lack of adventure, on the plus side though I have (with help) started looking at these from a different point of view, I`ll skip over the lack of girlfriend for now and go straight into the business side.
          This week I filed my tax return for my business (April 5th is the end of the UK tax year) and I was disappointed to note that I had filed a loss for the previous year and thoughts of closing down the business entered my mind, however I reevaluated the situation, yes I had made a loss that was black and white and clear as day in front of me, however the fact that I was filling out a tax return form meant that I actually had my own business, something which people had said I would never be able to do, which led me onto thinking about bills and in particular credit card bills, having to pay credit card bills is to alot of people an un necessary expense, however having a credit card means that someone trusts you to pay them back.
          which leads me nicely into lack of money, I don`t have a lot of money but I am grateful for what I do have and I used to think "oh if only I had the money" or "when I get the money" now its a case of "I`ll do that with my money, when I want" and in a twist of fate (or something else that I believe) I had a nice email from the tax man the day after completing my return to say they owed me money!
          which again leads me nicely onto lack of adventure, I subscribe to an outdoor magazine, I did this a couple of years ago when they were offering a free water sterilization kit and just never bothered cancelling and every time the latest issue dropped through the door I would look at the front cover and start feeling depressed at all the adventures on offer that I couldn`t go on for lack of money meaning that the magazines would sit unread on my bookshelf, and whilst yes prior commitments mean I can`t do the longer adventures for now it doesn`t mean that they are all out of reach, and indeed there are some adventures I`m planing on doing, going to the Peak District for a few days and an overnight train journey to Scotland for a weekend walk are on the cards, going by train means I don`t have to worry about the car whilst I`m doing whatever at the time. these magazines also regularly feature gear tests and reviews which do frustrate me as magazines will do "budget gear reviews" and yet none of the gear tested is what I or most people would call budget £150 for a pair of walking boots is not what most people would call cheap, however this is also lack thinking as I`m thinking about lack for other people.
          Lack thinking when It comes to a girlfriend is probably the hardest one of all, having been so long without a girlfriend I am absolutely convinced that no woman wants to be with me and no matter how hard I try this thought and feeling completely overwhelms me at times, at one time I was on several different dating websites, this has now been filtered down to just the one website but (and here comes the lack thinking) due to my shyness, anxiety and Aspergers I find it difficult to make contact with the women on these site first and the times I have plucked up the courage to do it I never had a response which has mane me feel even worse.

the above has been a very short example of my lack thinking but with help these opinions, and thats all they are after all, are slowly being changed I don`t know how long it will take though          

Pier to Pier

          So this is it, the first of what I hope will be many challenges to bring back my adventurous streak, in this case it was a 11km (7 mile) between two piers near where I live, if I`m totally honest I wasn`t actually looking forward to it, it wasn`t distance or the weather, which was good, it was down to the fact that the night before I had a family gathering and this left me mentally drained, which was only the start of the issues for the day. Murphy`s law prevailed for part of the day, I had planned on catching the train both to and from the start and end point, however the train company had other ideas, the first train from my local station didn`t leave until 9.15, 15 minutes after registration for the event opened, the bus company didn`t run to the start town on a Sunday which left me with the only option of driving to the start, not something I really wanted to do, the car park was a pay and display one but I had been prepared for it and had brought enough change to cover the parking...except the machine refused to accept one of my £1 coins, no problem I thought I call and pay over the phone....nobody works in the office on a Sunday because of course people don`t need to park their cars on a Sunday! so I text the number on the board, only to receive a text saying I hadn`t entered a valid location, text again, received one back saying I hadn`t entered a time, none of this was on the board just text this number! so I text back with all the info they required, got a text back saying I was already registered on the system, at this point I was on the point of screaming, I finally managed to sort it out and pulled my bag out of the car....to find the bottom of my bag soaking wet and water soaking into the seat of my car, the water bladder I was using had gotten a micro puncture at some point leading to water spilling everywhere, by a stroke of luck though I had packed my other bits and pieces into waterproof bags in case it was raining that day, as it was the sun was shining so I did a little reverse thinking and removed everything from the waterproof bag and put the bladder inside the waterproof bag this stopped everything from getting wet from the water I was meant to be drinking, thankfully there was enough left for me for the day, now I would have play the waiting game to see if my bag would be dry enough for me to walk with without problems.

7 miles in that direction is my goal

          by 9.45 everyone had registered and we were waiting for the warm up to get under way, people had also slowly started drifting towards the start line and this where I had a slight flash of anger, people were actually pushing me out of the way to get to the front of the line, this was a charity walk not a race! just after 10 am we offically started, 700 people heading along the coast in one direction and 140 from the other pier to where we had started. I had worked out how long this walk was going to take me at my regular pace, 4.8 km per hour would see me in at around about the 2 hours and 20 minutes mark, however what I didn`t count on was the flow of other people pace actually speeding me up, the support we received from the general public was great, people were offering free tea and coffee, some were even offering to make bacon or sausage sandwiches as well, as this was a public right of way and not closed off people were relaxing on the beach making the most of the early spring sunshine, some were preparing boats for sailing, others were dog walking some others were riding horses along the beach, soon after the tall buildings of Frinton came into view, and in the distance I could actually see my goal jutting out into the sea, another hour or so and I would be there, at this point my mind was trying to tell me that this was a bad decision to make and that I shouldn`t be walking, I ignored it and carried on, the pier gradually got closer and closer, the crowds of people on the esplanade got denser, two more corners and I would be at my goal, I saw the gazebo and walked over to it, after handing in my registration slip I was presented with a medal for my efforts.

for once I was "joined" on one of these adventures of mine by 2 friends.

they stayed with me throughout the walk and will probably be joining me in some later adventures too.

final time for the walk was 1 hour 55 minutes (18s).

I found it to be a bittersweet walk, first and foremost because I shouldn`t have wimped out and walked back to where I started, secondly I had no one to greet me when I made it to the end point and thirdly I had no one to walk with, oh sure there were 700 others but how many were walking with me?