What caused my depression, part one

       

          As I stated in my previous blog I have had depression most if not all my adult life and to some extent my childhood, it is kind of a typical story, parents always seemed to be arguing and fighting about everything ad then divorced when I was 11, I stayed with my mother which was a mistake, she wasn`t exactly an outwardly loving mother, either because she didn`t want to or didn`t know how to, meals consisted of the same thing every night, pie, mash and green beans, I had to be home from school no later 3.15 in the afternoon and if wanted to go out afterwards there was no chance.
           Because she no longer had my father to argue with she turned on me, every little thing was annoying to her and would cause an argument which being the age I was I couldn`t exactly win, then the unfair punishments started, ask a question she couldn`t answer "go to your room", ask for help with something "go away and find someone else", late home from school by a minute "no dinner" or worst of interrupt her TV program have my Lego taken off of me and/or the fuse removed from my radio and then when I got one TV too, after a while that became her favorite and go to punishment, I`m not saying I was the perfect child far from it but you do start wondering what the hell is going on at times, 2 punishments in particular stand out, one of them well not exactly a punishment because it didn`t actually happen was enough for me to finally leave and live with my father.
            one day at primary school I lost my house keys, to most people this would have been a "oh well, it happens lets go and have another one cut" not to my mother, me loosing the house key led to a massive argument about my lack of responsibility, I was 11, how she would be forced to change the locks because of robbers, because robbers would find the key and know exactly which house in a 500 house estate it had come from, and that I would have to search the field every day after school until I found the key and I would only be getting beans on toast for dinner until I found them (which I never did).
I can`t remember the cause if the second punishment which goes to show how trivial a matter it was, however the outcome was that my mother was going to throw my pet hamster out of the window and if it survived drown it in the toilet, I managed to get to my room before my mother and jammed the door shut, she called my father screaming down the phone at him to come and get me, that night I moved across to live my father and his partner who would later become my step mother.
          living with my Father was in some ways worse than my Mother, he`d destroy my confidence in subtle ways and over a long period of time, about 15 years or so, I was diagnosed in my early teens as having Aspergers syndrome, which is a form of Autism, something widely known about now but not really back then, my step mum told her brother who went to same school as me at the same time thinking he would keep an eye out for me, unfortunately for her it didn`t work out like that and when her brother told everyone at school, the bullying I was already suffering became infinitely worse, I was a drug taker because I ate "hash burgers" or only ate burned food such as "ash burgers", I`d go home to find parents that didn`t understand what I was going through or would say "tell the teachers" but what could the teachers do?
           then the confidence breaking started, being a teenager I had arguments with my parents, what teenager doesn`t? I started being accused of things I didn`t do or if I had done some thing being told it wasn`t good enough, it was never good enough, school work not good enough, home work not good enough, anything outside school not good enough, a prime example of this was maths coursework, at the time the highest mark any student could achieve was 99% this was because the theory went that 100% meant that the work was perfect and no more could be done to it, however if another examiner found that something more COULD be done to it then it was not perfect and therefore didn`t deserve full marks, every student knew and understood this, when I tried explaining this to my father he wouldn`t or couldn`t except it and said I was making it up for the abysmal 94% I`d got.
          The school I attended ran the Duke of Edinburgh award scheme, something which I was more than keen to join, on my 14th birthday I put in for the book and all the documentation required, within 8 months I had completed bronze and was looking forward to silver, the rules at the time stated that I couldn`t apply for the silver stage of the scheme until I was 15, once again this led to an argument with my father,
          "you`re just making excuses for not doing it now",
          "how can I be when the rule book says 15?"
          "doesn`t mean you cant put the paperwork forward now"
          "I`ve spoken to the coordinator and even he has said no"
          "well what does he know"
          "he`s the coordinator, I think he knows what he`s taking about"
as you can imagine this didn`t go down too well and I ended up with a few bruises on my body, not for the last time.
          I eventually gave up the Duke of Edinburgh as my GCSE`s took priority, first came my predicted grades 5B`s 5C`s
          "is that it? why aren`t you getting A`s?"
          "they`re predicted grades, not actual grades"
          "predicted, so a guess then?"
          "yes"
          "so you should get higher?"
          "I don`t know"
          "well you`d better"
mock tests came back as 5C`s 5D`s
          "why the f*ck have your grades gone down? you had B`s 6 months ago, its because of those people you hang around with isn`t it? you think being dumb is popular so thats why you`ve dropped your grades on purpose to fit in" this wasn`t the first or last time he made up stuff about me that he then convinced himself was true and no matter what I said or did it wasn`t good enough, the phrase "not good enough" was to haunt me for a very long time and still to a small amount does (Atelophobia)
          my final grades were eventually C`s and D`s which was enough to get me into further education, again this wasn`t "good enough" as I should have been I higher graded student, obviously the work got harder but I managed to maintain my grades and even at one point improved to a B- average, however "not good enough", what didn`t help was around this time the government were messing around with further education courses, I`d started out on a GNVQ course, which changed to A levels, then Advanced studies, then A2`s, then NVQ`s, then VCE`s....I eventually left with an AVCE, the only person in the class to have one, the rest of the class has a mixture of the above, it was enough to apply for university, I had to choose between 5, my first choice said no, but that didn`t bother me as they rejected virtually everyone that applied, the second and third were happy to accept me, my forth choice was also happy to accept me however I didn`t feel I would get the best from that one and the fifth wasn`t entertained in the end.
          University, I gotten further in terms of education than any of my branch of my family had before,
          "not good enough, why didn`t you get your first choice?"
          "because they only have 12 places so they can afford to be very very picky"
          "its because your grades weren`t good enough"
          "this coming from someone who didn`t leave school with one `O` level?"
because of his jealousy he decided to interfere with my university application, the uni was also a college for under 18`s and had accommodation for them, while I was filling out the forms he got hold of the form asking if I would require "supervised accommodation" or "unsupervised accommodation" he filled in supervised, which when I got there meant I was separated from everyone else on my course and so ended up alone most of the time, even worse the accommodation block was across from the student bar do for the first few weeks I couldn`t even get a drink!
          University was not as easy for myself as everyone else, I had to find my own way through everything, others got their loans and went out spending it on brand new equipment, mine went on rent and fees, others went out playing all the time (this was the Lake District after all) and I was forgotten about, left alone in my room with no one to talk to began to upset me, uni life got worse, one day I was told to report to student services, when I got there I was told that workmen had discovered "drugs" in my room and that my place on the course was about to be terminated, the "drugs" that had been found were antidepressants, primarily to help tackle my Aspergers, these tablets were in a blister pack in a box with my name and daily dosage, my doctors name, the pharmacists address and issued in a standard NHS paper bag.....but no I was taking illicit drugs, this not only made me angry but made me question the university intelligence, eventually this was sorted out but I`m still waiting for the apology from the university (side note, I wont get it as the uni merged and no longer exists as its own entity), this was compounded by the fact that lecturers lost my work, my dyslexia wasn`t "discovered" until the last term of the last year, despite having told the uni from the very beginning I was dyslexic, with everything that went on at that place I was surprised I managed to leave with a degree but I did.
         During my time at uni I`d managed to get myself a girlfriend, everyone was happy for me....actually no one was, my father`s response "you could have done better" my mother....said nothing, her mother...didn`t exactly like me, the 2 years I was with her I was actually happy, I`d not only got myself a girlfriend but I was in a job I enjoyed, ok it was only for the summer but you can`t have everything. inevitably we broke up, I did and still do blame myself for this although I don`t exactly know why,
          I left Cumbria and have as yet to return there, I moved back home for what I thought would be a temporary amount of time, straight back into the clutches of my father who once again took great joy in belittling me every chance he got, "university educated and cant get a job, can`t move out, can`t cook, can`t do anything but sit on your fat lazy arse" every time i felt i achieved something it was put down, learning to tow a trailer "not good enough, you skidded" climbing my first severe grade climb "not good enough I was on HVS (hard very severe) by the time I was your age" when I finally did get a job it was a part time one and that was only because they didn`t have any full time positions going at the time, even though I was part time I was doing 4 days a week, the maximum that any part timer could do at that job "not good enough" I gained qualifications including expert boot fitter, winter boot fitter, Gore-Tex consultant, and ended up being trusted with presenting to audiences about the equipment they would need for expeditions away, "not good enough"  always "not good enough"
          One day I saw an advert on the Internet advertising for instructors in Australia, I thought what the hell I`ll try, I probably wont get it but I`ll try anyway, I didn`t tell my parents because they would ridicule me straight away for even trying, I got the email back......they wanted to telephone interview me! we arranged date and time, which worked out about 7 am UK time, I had to tell them now, my Father looked for something to use against me, anything, the only thing he could come up with was "they probably won`t take you, you know" I dismissed it and waited for the phone call.
          the next three months was all about gearing up to get me out to Australia, for once my father seemed happy for me even going so far as to offer help and advice, yes there was an ulterior motive but I didn`t find out until later. so here I was about to start a new adventure the other side of the world would I finally be happy.......

to be continued.